You'd think as a writer that I would relish this opportunity to utilize my fingertips and words to talk about my emotions… my thoughts… my sadness. But truth be told, I'm forcing myself to type these words.
The biggest part of me wants to run to the hills, dig myself a cozy hole in the earth like a badger, curl up in fetal position, and cry.
As thankful as I am for the text messages, emails, and sweet notes from people around the world, I haven't even been able to get the courage to respond. And maybe they don't expect me too – I'm not sure the proper social action to take, so for the time being, the contacts go unresponded.
I'm thankful though. I'm thankful that so many cared about our ‘ol cow.
When I worked on a feedlot years (what seems like a lifetime!) ago, I saw cattle die the most atrocious deaths. Their corpses would go unnoticed and were wasted. They lived sad lives, devoid of meaningful human interaction and care.
My Sal had a beautiful life.
Just yesterday morning I thought she'd pull through. She was trying so hard to stand, I thought for sure she'd get there with a bit of assistance. I messaged Stu, who was at work, that we'd need to try and sling her again that night because she was so close!
I cheered her from the Suburban window on as I drove down the driveway into town to run a few errands. “Way to go, Mama! Come on!”
I returned an hour later and noticed her in the same position, licking Lyle and resting.
And just an hour after that, Stu arrived home from work with the look. Every farmer's wife knows ‘the look'.
‘The look' that tells you your pigs have escaped the pen.
‘The look' that tells you the calf is running rampant on the hillside.
‘The look' that tells you your companion, your dear friend, your Queen of the Farm, didn't make it.
I shouted at him. WHAT?! There's no way! I just saw her! I just saw her an hour ago! She was FINE! That doesn't make any sense?! Are you sure? How can you be sure?
He didn't answer or rebutle my questions. He just shook his head and stared into my eyes – his own, not very strong in the moment. I'm sorry, honey. I'm so sorry.
Wiping away my tears, I passed the baby off to Stu, and slowly made my way down to Sal's pen. I found her, comfortable and peaceful, snuggled right up next to her milking parlor where I'd nursed her, fed her, watered her, and loved on her just hours before.
I sat with her and Lyle and cried. I just cried.
I'm so sorry, Sal. I'm so sorry I couldn't help you. I wish I could have done something… anything… I love you so much. I hope you know how much you were loved.
Lyle very slowly walked up to me, eye to eye as I sat on the ground, and licked my tears off my cheeks. God is so good.
No really, he is. Here I was, staring at my dead friend… a friend I had tried desperately to save… a friend who had consumed my thoughts, prayers, and time for the past two weeks… and all I could think was God is so good.
Just days before, my prayer had changed from ‘Please, save her Lord!' to ‘Help me to be wise. Help me to glorify you in the way I handle this.'
I wanted so desperately to do right by Sal – I certainly didn't want her to suffer, especially for my sake. How would I know when it was time? How could I ever work up enough courage to put her down? How would I know that what I'd tried was enough?
I didn't know how to make the call. So I didn't. I cared for her the best I could and I prayed.
God made the call for me. He took Sal, in His time. For His glory. And His purpose. Peacefully.
She died snuggled up in the safety of her home. A home where she was desperately loved.
Sal was buried in her pen, thanks to a neighbor who let us borrow a small tractor. As we dug the hole, I wept. I wept like I haven't wept in years. And as I wept, I cleaned up the remnants of the life we'd made down in her pen these past two weeks. Ropes. Oils. Ointments. Slings. Feed bags. Hay bales. Medicine. Buckets.
To know the smell, the sounds, the feel, of a dairy animal… it's indescribable. It's not just an animal you feed and water for your pleasure. It's an animal that you touch daily. An animal who's flank you snuggle up next to in the heat of the summer and the cold, pitch-black mornings of the winter. An animal who provides for you. An animal who you meet with, every day, at the exact same time, and interact with.
There's just nothing like it.
And there will never be a another cow like my Sally Belle.
Each drive up and down the driveway, I still holler out ‘Hey-yo Mama!' at her pen – because I'm not ready not to yet.
I still go and sit with Lyle and snuggle him and kiss him and love on him – because I need him. And I like to think that he needs me too.
And I'm thankful for you. And you. And you. And each of you that took the time out of your life to send me a note of encouragement and send your love and prayers for Sal. So many of you reached out and shared your intimate stories of like experiences – I had no idea so many of you have lost your faithful bovine friends as well. It's nice to know you're not alone, doesn't it? Thank you, my friends.
I love you Sal. I love you so, so much.
And Amen.
Pam
I’m so sad to read this. It reminds me of when my sweet little dog died and my husband found her and had to tell me. It reminds me of how it felt when my pregnant horse died only a couple of weeks from delivery. It’s heartbreaking to lose our companions and to have tried to save them unsuccessfully. I was praying that Sal would make it and I’m so sorry that she didn’t. Prayers and hugs from our family to yours.
Linda Denham
I am so touched by your story Shaye. I haven’t cried in months . …..your tender heart and loving simplicity takes me back to my childhood wondrous life……your love of Jesus reminds me of unconditional love……as I wipe my tears I thank you for sharing your life stories. ..bless you sister♡
Stacey @ happy Hegarty homestead
I am so sorry. I didn’t know your sweet girl but I feel your pain and here I am crying. Sending hugs!!
Jenna
My heart aches so bad for you and your family. We are just venturing into this homesteading adventure and appreciate so much that you allow us into your life to share the good and the bad. What I can’t understand is how I can sit here with tears running down my face still thinking that I cannot wait to know an animal the way you knew your Sal. Thank you for sharing her sweet life with us.
Elizabeth
I send to you all the comfort possible in this time of emptiness…the glass may seem empty right now but will fill with each passing second, minute, hour, day, week, year………
Fiona
Such beautiful words Shaye, my eyes are burning with tears. Your pain is shared….
Mummaducka
Oh Shaye, it’s very hard to understand. In a way I’m kinda glad decisions were taken out of your hands. I’m very pleased that the last time you saw her she was not in any pain or discomfort. you certainly gave it your best shot at healing her. I know there’s room in your heart for another good cow to come and get some love. Best wishes. Xx
Jessica
So very sorry Shay. :'( I know it hurts. Praying for you.
Gracie by Spokane
I think your Facebook post said ” Our little farm covets your prayers.”
That simple phrase was so much more than words to me.
Praying for you and yours as we know you do for all your readers, too.
And Amen, sister.
Lian and Anna Peet
Oh Shaye…so sorry. Couldn’t imagine what we’d feel if our Molly died. So glad you have Lyle to snuggle, and that Sally Belle passed peacefully. She had such a great life and was loved xxx
Lian Peet
Read through this with my 11 year old, we enjoy your blog together. She had tears streaming down her face, and said, “I love my Molly, I couldn’t imagine her dying”. We’re in this with ya xxx
Melissa Cain
So sorry for your pain. I know exactly what you are going through. Our daughter wanted a jersey calf to raise 13 years ago. We bottle fed Millie and loved her so much. When she had her second calf, she got milk fever. We tried so hard to save her, but she did not make it. I never knew you could love a cow so much.
Rose
I’m so sorry Shaye. My heart is breaking with yours.
Season
So sad, I am wiping the tears from my eyes right now. My dairy cow is Sally also and all I could think was this could happen to me too. I feel your pain and I am glad its over for her sake and also yours.
Lisa
Shaye I’m so sorry. You did the best that you could and you were her best friend to the end. Even though these times are really emotionally tough, all I can say is going through this myself, I’m glad that I had the opportunity to have them as part of my life and without them my life would have been pretty darn empty. Each one brings something to us in their own special way. She was obviously very special and a big part of your life. I’m glad that GOD made the decision and you didn’t have to. He works in beautiful, kind, loving ways. Thank you for sharing with us your life on your farm and what we all have to face at one time or another and thanks for sharing the good memories as well. That’s what keeps us going. Blessings to you and your family.
grassfood.
So true and beautifully written. There is really nothing on this earth that compares to the love and nurturing nature of a dairy cow and the love we feel for them. Yes, there will always be a hole in your heart for her, and it will be filled with greater strength and understanding of the real. The loss is so great, and I feel for you. Take care of yourself during your grief, and may peace and comfort continue to find you, while you someday find your next lovely cow.
Kathey
I’m so sorry. I’ll keep you all in my prayers while you recover. You gave her a good life.
Allison
I’m so sorry, Shaye.
Life With The Crew
I am so sorry to hear that. What a loss of a wonderful sweet life. You can perhaps find some solace in not having to make that final decision. She was a lucky soul to have lived with such a loving family.
Amy Knox
Shaye, Your beautiful heart and honest words had tears streaming down my face. Thank you for sharing your life with us. Life is a gift and time is precious…I think all of us belong to God first and He hand picked you to be the “keeper” of Sally. You did a GREAT job!!! May peace be with you and your family
Pat Stauffer
I am crying again. I spent the first 7 years of my life on a dairy farm. I am 63 now. I still love the smell of a dairy barn. I used to ride the cows into the barn for milking. NOTHING beats the smell of a dairy barn. You are a good farm momma!! Yes, she knew you love her. And so does Lyle. Well Done, honey. . . Well Done.
Casey
I was saddened to hear about Sal when you first shared with all of us. Today, as I read this news, I wept like a baby, as if I had gone through all that you and your family have, and as if she were my own. We have a farm and animals, and I’ve been where you’ve been. There are really no words. For those of us who have been down this road, I pray that time will heel our empty hearts. For everyone else, I ask that we all pray for the Elliotts. There is no need for you to reply. Only know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.
In closing, let me just take this opportunity to thank you for all that you write and share with us, and all the incredible recipes that you have created. I always look forward to your newsletters and to making yet another recipe from your awesome cookbook. Thank you, Shaye, for all that you are and all that you share.
Ayumi
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I had hope that she would make a turn around. While I’ve never had the opportunity to work with cattle, I did have the honor of a dear fr
Ayumi
I somehow managed to hit a button. What I was saying was that I had the chance to have such a relationship with a horse. Thank you for sharing your life with us.
Ellen
Dear Shaye and Dear Elliot Family,
Tears streaming down my face as well as I read your beautifully written, heartfelt words. So glad you have Lyle to comfort you, and I hope that the sweet memories of Sally will keep you going. Your efforts to save her were heroic, and remember, that God knows best, even though we often don’t understand the why.
I too am considering a milk cow for our small homestead, and anticipate the love I will have for all of the animals we will adopt. I am already madly in love with our hens and rooster, and completely understand the depth of your grief. Please accept my deepest sympathy, as just having had to put down my 19-year-old cat, I know the pain.
You are one of Earth’s angels. God Bless you all.
Sincerely,
Ellen
Toni Jo
Trials are not tests of faith,
but Opportunities to praise
God’s Enduring Faithfulness.
“As one whom his mother
comforteth, so will I comfort
you.” Isaiah 66:13.
Denise Watson
I’m so sorry about Sally Belle.:((( My heart aches for you. Animals like children they are so innocent, forgiving, sweet, loving and never really want anything from us except the same in return, which I can tell you give them all that and more! May God heal your heart.
Conni
Hopefully, Dear Shaye, the fact that so many of us are shedding your tears will lighten the burden of grief you bear. May the Lord bless your precious family!
Camille Olivia
Oh, Shaye! I know “I’m sorry” sounds so meaningless for you right now. I’m guessing you’re still overwhelmed by all this. I don’t even “know” you, but the tears are falling for your loss, your pain, your beautiful Sally. I can pray for your heart to heal. I can pray you will find a way to move on. And I shall. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Arms around you ~
Barbara
I’m soooo sorry for your loss, Sally was extra special to you and your family 🙁
Sheri
My heart hurts for you. We will all cross the Rainbow Bridge some day. Sal will be there. It’s gonna be great. God Bless you.
Tina
I’m so sorry about your loss. Crying with you and praying for you and your family.
Susanne
Blessings to you!
Peggy Gray
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m a farmer’s wife, also, and we’ve had animals that we loved that died. It’s never easy and each one takes a piece of our heart with them. And each new animal that is born on the farm takes a piece, too.
I love your blog and never miss reading it. Thank you for writing with such Grace about your everyday activities. God bless you and your sweet family.
Mary
I’m so sorry for your loss, Shaye. Animals can become so much a part of our lives and it is so hard to lose them. I experienced this kind of sadness also when I was on the farm years ago. We lived right next to a major highway and we had more dogs run over & it was so sad for my kids and I at the time. Yet one never fails to love a new member of the farm as they come along. Love has to endure many trials in life. Life deals some tremendous blows at times, but, thank God, he always restores our hope and trust in Him with a new member to the Clan. John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; My peace I giveth unto you. Not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled nor let it be afraid….. Time seems to heal all wounds. May yours heal quickly!
Ashley
I’m so sorry!! I thought about Sal and prayed for you all week. I am glad to know you didnt have to make that difficult decision. I lost my dog, who was my BFF, last summer and was so thankful God took him and I didn’t have to make the call. Prayers for peace and comfort as you grieve the loss of your dear friend! <3
Angie
oh hun… I weep!!! so very sorry for your loss xxxx
Barbara
Beautiful tribute! She looked so sweet and kind.. So sorry for your loss.
Miley D.
I am so sorry for your loss Shaye! But, I know Sal knew, as God knew, you did all you could and He thought best to bring her home to His glory – God Bless you for your caring heart!! Those hearts that care so much will be broken – but with God’s help – those hearts will heal. You will see Sal every day in Lyle! And you will cry when it is time for Lyle to leave. It is the circle of life and it will always continue as long as God is there to guide us every day! Our prayers are with you and your family and sweet little Lyle!
donna
Oh Shaye, Literally tears are streaming down my face right now. I am SO very sorry that you lost Sally. I too prayed that she would be healed. You are right, God IS good. He is ALWAYS good. Even when we don’t understand and are wrapped up in pain, grief, suffering, confusion, etc. And I am thankful that Lyle has you now because you are right, you both need each other. May He continue to sustain you in His infinite grace and mercy.
Mimi
Oh no 🙁 I was really hoping that I would come on here and see that she had pulled through. I weirdly had a dream about it last night. I’m so sorry for the loss of your Sal. She was a good one. Love to you and your family.
Stacy
My thoughts have been with you, your family and Sally this past week. When I got your update yesterday, I couldn’t read your column. So with sadness I read it today. I am truly sorry, deep down inside sorry. No matter how many times you lose an animal friend, it still hurts. Some, more than others, but the hurt is still there.
Please accept my deepest and most heartfelt condolences.
Please give Lyle an extra hug from me and save some for yourselves.
– Stacy
Debra Musgrave
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost one of my mini geldings on 06-04-20l5. I cried again- for you-and for me as well as Little C. I had C nearly l4 years. His half brother Sir General misses C but his loss has been eased a bit as I recently adopted a mini mare. It is hard loosing our animal friends as we do get very attached to them. I pray that God will comfort you and your family. You gave Sal a good life and she blessed you with her calf. Take care and may God Bless you.
MS
Man, i haven’t cried so hard in a long time. You just wrote exactly how I’ve felt the past couple years of living on our small farm-though I couldn’t express it in words like you just did. You’re absolutely right, farm animals like that become your best friends. When they fall ill, all you can do is care for them in small ways- without knowing what the complete problem is. I weep over each sweet lamb that doesn’t make it during lambing season on our farm, or when I finally realize and decide I have to put my animals, my friends, out of their misery-which is the hardest.
Just remember that God ended her blessed and full life in his perfect timing, Shaye.
I will pray for healing and comfort as you adapt to this painful loss. xx
Janet
Thank you for being strong enough to share with us in your very sad time. It is clearly a life with love and incredible beauty that shines through all of your simple activities. A love and deep respect and care for the beautiful creation God has blessed us with and commissioned us to care for. I am grateful for what you do and that you share your experience as you walk with God. It is a very precious thing that you do. And you are leading the way. Thank you.
Brigitte Ruthman
Hello Shaye,
I don’t know you, but wish I did.
I really think you have put into words in short form the magic of loving a cow. I am so moved by the same things you are- that cows are living, thinking, emotional, smart beings that deserve good care.
I am this winter writing a book intended to improve the well being of cows throughout the land, and the world for that matter. I have a friend who is a well known writer (Simon Winchester) who will be travelling out west in a spell and is going to stop at the Nebraska feedlots to write about what he sees. His mission is actually to deliver handmade pots by his Japanese wife to the camps where Japanese Americans were held during World War 2. But I am ordering him to make a stop and he will because he shares milk with my cows and was very moved by the birth of a calf two months ago (now conveniently named Simon) If I can pull off the time to get this thing accomplished, I would like to include your tribute to Sal with a photo. Is that okay?
I hope you have healed a bit, and maybe found another cow
Good luck
Brigitte Ruthman
[email protected]
Shaye Elliott
I’m just seeing this message now. That is absolutely fine, thank you for thinking of me.
Sheri
I was just on a site where people were discussing how their horses suddenly went down after worming them with a Quest product. I was wondering if maybe a bovine product had been used. Link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/468298520018903/?pnref=story
Kaitlyn
Man did I cry during this blog! It reminded me of my sweet Annabelle. She was a jersey that I raised from a calf on my family’s farm. My dad came in on morning crying so hard he couldn’t speak. My mom and I ran up to him and asked over and over again, what had happened. Annabelle has rumen acidosis and we were treating it, but she laid down one night wrong and bloated up. By the time we went out for morning chores it was too late. She was my cow, I raised her from a calf, trained her, and was there to help her with her first delivery. I could ride her around like a horse. She was my best friend, so reading this post brought tears but a smile. Smile that their are others that love their jerseys as much as my family does!! Thank you for the post!